WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.