Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
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People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”