wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
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My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Happy Thanksgiving
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?