@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

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@beefman138

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

@bricheeseyy

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

@TheAlexNevil

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

@Manda_like_wine

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

@JohnLyonTweets

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

@Jsheff001

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

@LizHackett

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

@PaperWash

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

@SadieSkyNinja

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

@Burnam1

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.