Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
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My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.