Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
FINE, I WON’T.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!