wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
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When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I need to get some bricks…