Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
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Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.