Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
This dude got his own movie?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.