WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
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Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
oh my god
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.