WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
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clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.