WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
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saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.