Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.