wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.