Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
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Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.