WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Jupiter
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Worth a try
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]