Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
🍛
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.