wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
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NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.