Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
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[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*