WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies