Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
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If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic