Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

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Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*


Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.


My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.


[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana


M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!


“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight


“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively


Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining


What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone


Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined