@causticbob

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

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@markedly

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

@enigmaterics

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

@amentalrecess

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

@007Pepe_Rex

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

@impaulmccoy

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

@daemonic3

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

@AbbieEvansXO

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

@ArtReno3

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

@molly_kornfeld

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined