wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it