wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here