WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.