WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.


My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”


I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered


The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.


I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.


WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*


ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?


date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?


So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?


Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh