I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh