My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
ME: I said, nice squid
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day