WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
You Might Also Like
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
we’re gonna need another temp
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times