WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit


ME: I said, nice squid

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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.


You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.


mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro


Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.


ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one


Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”


Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.


Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.


Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.


Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day