WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
notice
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
How times have changed.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Every time.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear