WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
the simulation is moving too fast
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.