Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers