Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
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I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Jesus steals the winter solstice
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.