wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab