WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”