Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
For anyone who needs this today
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.