Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
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i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
i hate you platonically
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin