@slimmy_shady

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

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@smithsara79

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

@sundaecone888

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

@huntigula

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

@maebemarbles

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

@TakeForGrantd

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

@_wangwe

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

@roastmalone_

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back