[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
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I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.