Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Happy Star Wars day!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️