[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.