wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
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I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Ironic
#TopTip
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running