[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
You Might Also Like
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
just witnessed a drug deal
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?