Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
You Might Also Like
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
FRED: right
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood