Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I am never leaving this website
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend