wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Software Development ⛵️
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously