[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Wake me when AI does housework
Awwwww shit.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.