wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out