Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
President The Rock Obama
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Weighing up my bread heating options
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.