wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Unexpected Judgment
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep