Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I found your tweet-up…
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.