wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
satan: not today, microsoft teams
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…