WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

You Might Also Like


Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.


When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.


dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
me: Are you crying?


My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*


*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*


Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem


I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them


Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.


Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.


My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.