WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word