Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.