Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
That was easy.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.