Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

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[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.


DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.


Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you


I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.


me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no


You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.


We are the people our parents warned us about.


The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.


i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it