Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
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It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol