Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
You Might Also Like
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce